Coping with Children

By Deborah Reilly

     I don't believe that there is any such thing as an expert where children are concerned. Kids are not user friendly... they are complicated and do not come with instructions! Over the years, many children have taught me about what works well for them. I would like to share what I have learned, hopefully to make life a little easier for kids and the adults who care for them.

     Above all else, kids need and want attention. Without it, their self-esteem suffers. Children need to feel that they are important, worthy of your time and attention. In this day and age when everyone works, struggling to make ends meet, children frequently end up feeling as if no one has time for them. Unfortunately, this is sometimes true. We get caught up in providing for our kids' material needs; sometimes at the expense of their emotional well being.

     As important as it is to provide a home, food, clothing and all of the other requirements of living, it is not worth leaving them floundering along on their own, without the attention they need to feel secure, and to develop into well rounded people. The biggest challenge parents have these days is to find time to spend with their kids. Quality time with your children does not necessarily mean wildly exciting activities, as a matter of fact, too much of this can be damaging. Kids need to know that life is not always wildly exciting, that being happy and contented is in learning to enjoy the regular day to day activities that make up living.

     Spend time with your children. They learn from example. Incorporate them into the things you do while at home. A toddler can follow you around and help to do many tasks, such as sorting laundry, picking up around the house, emptying trash, stripping beds, dusting. Kids as young as three or four can begin helping with simple meal preparation. If you are peeling potatoes, they can select the vegetables and bring them to your work area. They can tear greens for a salad. The idea is to let them know that they are a part of the family group, to include instead of exclude them from the activities which you spend time doing when you are at home.

     Older children can obviously do more, and can be a real help, cutting down the time you have to spend doing chores so you do have more free time together. Try to get into an everybody works; everybody plays mentality in your household, while your children are young. They will quickly realize that by doing their share, they are helping you to have more time to spend with them doing fun activities. Of course, this only works if you do spend some of that saved time with them, and it also requires patience. It is easier to do everything yourself than it is to slow down a little and teach a very young child how to fold laundry, and do other chores. By doing so, however, you are not only spending precious time with your child, but also empowering him or her. We all know adults who seem totally incompetent, unable to do the simplest task for themselves. Often these people were never taught how to go about getting something done. Parenting is many things, but above all, it is teaching. You as a parent are teaching your children how to be a human being. You have a very limited time to accomplish this... in a heartbeat of your life, they will be grown.

     At a job I once worked, I watched a particular supervisor struggle to control her frustration with an employee who seemed to never get done what was asked of him. She gave him an area to clean up which was full of the odds and ends of the job... nuts and bolts and assorted hardware, bits and pieces of this and that. She could not understand why he could not seem to get done what was to her a simple and straight forward task... sorting out and putting away an accumulation of items which had grown into a pile of junk.

     Finally I told her;you are simply dealing with someone whose mother never taught him how to go about cleaning up his room.Many parents lovingly do everything for their children, never dreaming that by doing so, they are raising an individual who doesn't learn how to get anything accomplished for himself!

     Show your child how to go about tackling a large job by breaking it down into small steps. Back to cleaning his room... simply saying clean up your room leaves a kid bewildered with a job that seems too big to get done. Instead, show him how to clean up his room. He can learn this from the time he is two years old, although it will be a while before he can do it entirely alone to your satisfaction.

     When a child is two years old, he can understand a lot more than people seem to realize. You can , however, confuse them by using too many words at one time. Best to show him what it is you are asking him to do. Say first, put everything that is on the floor into one pile. Show him what you mean, by scooping everything into one pile. Then tell him next, take everything that is clothing out of the pile, and put it in a separate pile.Again, show him what you mean. Move on to show him how to sort clean clothing from dirty clothing, and how and where to put each item. Move on to toys, and show him how to put those items where they belong, and on to the next group of things, until you are left with nothing except trash which gets thrown away, and then down to the bare floor which gets swept or vacuumed. From there you can show him how to dust, make his bed, and so on. Children who are taught how to do tasks in steps grow up into adults who know how to break a large, seemingly overwhelming job into small steps which are manageable, until they have finished the whole chore. Lots of people who procrastinate and can't seem to get anything done do so because they just don't know where to start!

     It may seem awfully time consuming to go through this with a two year old, who is still an infant, but if you do this in a matter of fact manner and routinely, you will soon have a child who does it himself, in a matter of fact manner, and routinely. Approach everything you want your child to do in this same way, and he will grow up to be a person who knows how to make things happen and get things done, because in the teaching, you are not only showing him how to do routine chores himself, but you are also showing him by example how to teach others to do what needs to be done, in a methodical way, without undue stress or emotion. You are teaching him leadership skills!

     There are other ways you can manage to spend time with your children. The kitchen used to be the heart of most homes. This is where a great deal of time is spent., preparing meals and so on. Seat your children at the kitchen table, a safe distance away from the stove of course, and help them with their homework while you prepare dinner. Or, have them read to you while you cook. For younger children, have particular activities that they are only allowed to do while sitting in your presence. This may be a good time for them to use crayons, and other craft supplies such as clay and glue which you don't want to end up on the walls or in the carpet.

Hobbies and Playtime

     If you have a hobby or activity that you enjoy doing, you can include your children in this activity. If you like to garden, for example, even the youngest toddler can do a small amount of gardening. Gardening is, by the way, an activity that most kids seem to really love. show your child how to plant beans in a pot and water them, and in no time you will have little bean plants. You can do this with flowers, and many other things. Older children can manage a small plot of their own in the garden. If you are a gardener, then I don't have to tell you how to go about including your child, it will come almost naturally.

     The same thing applies to most hobbies. If you paint, set up an area for your child to work with non- toxic, water soluable paints near where you are working. If you like to do beadwork, you can purchase beading kits for children. The same applies to almost anything you like to do for a hobby, with the exception, perhaps, of dangerous sport activities! Sharing such activities with your kids gives you the opportunity to feed your own soul, without excluding your child, and makes these activities into time well spent with your child instead of time taken from them. Even if you sew as a hobby, there are ways to include children in this. The old kits that children sewtogether with shoestrings are still around. You can also make things for children to sew together with strings. Shoestrings are great for little fingers to be able to hold onto, and they come in lots of colors.

     Even if your particular hobby is something that you cannot include your child in, it is still possible to have together time without having to devote your entire attention to the child. Put together a craft box of supplies, include such things as crayons, children's markers which are water soluable, plastic stencils, non-toxic glue, construction paper, pasta which can be glued onto pictures, blunt children's scissors, whatever else you can find for little hands to work with. Use your imagination! Old magazines can be given to children to cut out pictures from, for use in mosaics or montages. Kids love to be busy, and can learn to entertain themselves early in life with a little encouragement from you.

Say What You Mean

     Kids think in very literal terms. If you tell a five- year old child that you are going to catch a bus, he actually pictures you chasing one down. Of course, as kids begin to have life experiences, they come to understand what we mean when we say things of that sort. Using vague terms with children like behave yourself is confusing to them. You must define what you mean by behave. For some reason, adults tend not to understand this, and can't seem to grasp why they cannot get co-operation from their children.

     If you are trying to get your kids to walk, not run, skip, jump, leap and somersault through the house, simply saying don't run in the house won't do it. Perhaps they will stop running, and then be completely bewildered when you blow your stack as they go tumbling past. You need to be very explicit with kids about what you expect of them. You also need to understand that the reason human beings need parents in the first place is because they don't instinctively know how to fit into society and do what is expected of them. It takes time for them to learn these things. Not only must they remember what they are supposed to be doing, but they must also get to the point of having the attention span and maturity to control their behavior. It won't happen overnight. You may have to say walk quietly and slowly when you are in the house a hundred thousand times before they remember to do so most of the time!

It's My Job

     One of the phrases I frequently used to make my son understand that I was simply trying to parent him, and not persecute him unjustly was It's my job. Parenting is a personal thing, however, you can get a certain amount of co-operation from your kids by letting them know that you are trying the best that you can to be a good parent. Your kids need to know that you are fallible, that you are learning as you go, and that you are trying to be a good parent. You must also get across to them that no matter what, it is your job to be a parent, and to help them grow up into responsible people. Believe me, it is damn near impossible to force co-operation from your kids, but it is possible to convince them to be co-operative, at least most of the time.

     Human beings have the desire to fit in, to receive positive feed back from those people who are important to them. As they get older, you will feel that you are less and less important to them, which is not actually true. Just as it is your job to be a parent, it is the child's job to become an adult. As the child gets older, his peers become very important and influential in his life. He will seem to cast you aside, and this is simply a part of becoming an individual.

     If you make yourself important and influential to your kids when they are very young and have less contact with others, you can expect to have more influence when their world expands and grows to include other individuals. It may be painful to feel that others are becoming more important in your kid's life than you are, but believe me, the alternative is much more painful! Think what it would be like if you always, for the rest of your life, had to put as much energy into your child as you do when your child is a kid. The best you can hope for is to do the best you can to teach your kids how to make good choices in life for themselves, so that at some point in their lives, you can pass off the responsibility to them for making their own choices.

Choose Your Battles Wisely

     Some people take their responsibilities as a parent so seriously that they find themselves constantly in a battle of wills with their child. If you spend every moment of time that you have with your kid lecturing, fussing, chastising, and instructing your kid, quite simply, that kid will eventually tune you out. You will just make him tired! You need to be able to set priorities, and decide what things are worth making an issue over, and which things you can ignore, or let go for another time. Sometimes you have to pretend not to notice the small things that do not matter that much, and concentrate on the biggies. If you make everything a big issue, then your kid can't sort out what is really important.

Squirmy Kids

     Can you remember sitting in school, or in church, or anyplace where, as a kid, you were expected to be quiet, sit still, and pay attention? Can you remember at all what that was like? Kids do not mean to be bad, it's just really hard for them to sit quiet and still for a long time and pay attention too! I think there are a number of reasons for this... they have boundless energy, big imaginations, and the natural inclination to be busy. They don't yet have the structure and self- discipline to sit quietly and absorb information. They are naturally inclined to learn... by personal involvement and physical interaction with their environment.

     I believe that kids' brains and bodies build up hormones, which they can't work off while sitting still. Their attention wanders, their little bodies squirm, their hands and feet begin moving, and they eventually work up to a level of frantic movement which is enough to drive any adult watching to the brink of insanity. What we as adults often don't realize is that the frantic squirming and movement is the child's attempt to remain sane while they are being driven to distraction by the hormones etc. which are loading up in their bodies. They just can't help it! It is like trying to be still when you itch.

     When kids get to the point where they just cannot be still, or you need to have their attention but can't seem to get it, sometimes giving them a minute to work outcan help. Tell them you seem to be having trouble sitting still. Would you like a minute to move around and work off some of that tension?

     Encourage them to do jumping jacks, or run in place (if going outdoors is not an option), or dance, or what ever feels good to the individual you are with. If you are working with a group of children, it might be easier to maintain some order if you pick the activity. I have found that this works well if I let the child know that it is not a punishment, but a way to get a grip on themselves so that they can concentrate again for a little longer. Younger children and children with hyperactive or attention deficit disorders may need more frequent breaks, but I have never attempted this with any child who did not participate enthusiastically. It feels good to them! They learn to do this for themselves after awhile, and it is a good coping skill to learn. After all, even adults become fatigued or distracted at times. It is those people who know how to re-harness their thoughts and energies and return to a task feeling refreshed, who manage to stick with a job until it is finished.

     Very young children, age's baby to, perhaps, second or third grade seem to enjoy parading to marching band music. This is fun with pots and wooden spoons for instruments. (If you have the nerves for this noise!)

     You may have to get more creative with older kids. My siblings, whom I found myself caring for as a young teenager, still laugh about ridiculous exercises inflicted upon them, such as standing on their heads attempting to make peanuts balance behind their ears, and pushing peanuts across the floor with their noses. These things may seem silly; however, they had the desired effect! The kids stopped whatever it was I was attempting to distract them from; and co-operated in an activity that was fun and silly, and made them laugh.

     So many people these days feel they have no time to get the proper exercise. With a little creative thinking, you can work some physical activity for yourself into this habit! Tell your child I like to dance for exercise, let's do it together for a few minutes! You can do this with a number of different kinds of activities which will lower your stress level as well as the child's, and once again, incorporates your child into some part of your daily routine.

The Two Minute Cool Down

     Ever catch yourself acting badly, and you know that you are, but just can't seem to help yourself? Or how about in a bad mood, but you just don't know why? Kids seem to go through emotions from minute to minute. They can learn, however, to stay balanced.

     When kids just can't seem to behave well, give them someplace to go for a few minutes to collect themselves. Tell them, I think you need a few minutes to yourself to pull yourself together. Spend a couple of minutes here, and join me (us) when you feel better.

     If the child is angry, you may have to carry him or her to the bedroom, or whatever your designated cool down area is. For very young children, don't close the door entirely. It is very frightening to a really small kid to think he is so bad, he has been imprisoned for his behavior. Leaving the door open a bit helps the child understand that this is not a punishment, but an opportunity to compose himself. The open door will encourage him to rejoin you once he has composed himself. It also teaches him to use this as a coping skill. It is perfectly acceptable for adults to take a few minutes to collect themselves, and the ability to do so is an asset. Children almost always feel good about themselves if given the chance and the tools to control themselves.

Aggressive Kids

     Almost without fail, a child who is overly aggressive has some problem that is making that child angry. There are few problems in life that cannot be managed in some way. The first thing anyone must do in order to resolve a problem is to determine what that problem is.

     The child probably cannot tell you what is wrong, although he might. Try asking. One problem that frequently causes aggressive children is aggressive parents. If your first response to every situation is to strike the child, not only is the child angry, but also has been taught that the way you make someone do what you want him to do is by hitting.

     You may show aggression in front of your child in ways that you do not even notice. For example, many perfectly nice people become angry and aggressive while driving a car. Anger is catchy. If you constantly rant and rave about every thing in life that annoys you or does not go the way you want it to go, your child is learning that this is the way to act. If you hate the world and everyone in it, or if you take every small annoyance personally and are unable to take anything in stride, your kids will too. They are learning how to cope with life from you, and if you don't cope with a little grace and humor, you can't expect that your kids will be able to do so.

     Whatever the source of the problem, in addition to working on the aggression, there are other things that can help. If you are an aggressive person yourself, talk to your child. Tell him that you have a habit of becoming angry when it is not called for, and that the two of you together can find ways to feel better.

     Try to teach your child that everyone has bad feelings sometimes, and that there are acceptable and unacceptable ways of venting bad feelings. Give the child some acceptable ways to do this. Sometimes a punching bag is helpful. Nerf toys are wonderful, also.

     Some people feel relief from aggressive feelings if they work out in some strenuous activity, such as hitting golf balls with a club, or tennis balls with a racquet, or baseballs with a bat. Whatever the activity, the objective is the same; to provide relief from feelings of aggression in some socially acceptable way. Often children who have learning disabilities act out aggressively. These kids are often considered to have behavior problems, when the truth is, the child cannot help his or her behavior.

     Children believe what adults tell them. If a child is consistently scolded, chastised, reprimanded and punished for being bad that child will believe that he is bad. He probably doesn't understand why he is bad, but will feel alienated, not as good as others, and eventually will develop low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is a common cause for behavior problems. When it gets added to the source of the low self-esteem it compounds the problems.

     Sometimes children hide a medical problem, such as poor eyesight or hearing. The child probably does not realize that he doesn't see or hear as well as others can. He has no way of comparing how well he can see or hear, or concentrate, in comparison with other people. All the kid knows is that he is always in trouble, and doesn't get good grades. It is up to the adults in this child's life to figure out what the problems are, and to help him to resolve those problems.

     Poor eating habits can cause aggressive behavior. If your child gets too much sugar and not enough carbohydrates and protein at breakfast, he may be crashing (having a period of very low blood sugar) by mid morning. Low blood sugar makes people feel irritable and grouchy.

     Allergies can also cause problems that might be misinterpreted as behavior problems. Allergies can drive children to distraction, and not in just the obvious ways, such as itching or respiratory trouble. Your child's pediatrician can help with deciding if allergies are a possible source of trouble.

     Whatever the problem, kids are not just normally bad. It is sometimes very difficult to discover what is causing the behavior, but stick with it, and don't give up hope, which is the same thing as giving up on your child.

Shyness

     The nature of humans is that we have various personality traits. Some personality traits are an asset to us in getting along with other people, while others can be a hindrance and some can be absolutely paralyzing.

     Almost everyone has a variety of traits which combined, make up our personalities. Sometimes one trait seems to overwhelm all others, such as in the case of shyness. A shy child can find himself living in a very frightening world, where everyone and every situation provokes a state of anxiety.

     Some people are just naturally less outgoing than others, but you can help your child to overcome really crippling shyness in a number of ways. First of all, don't be afraid to be silly with your kids. Make them laugh, and laugh with them. This helps them to not fear being laughed at by others, and teaches them the ability to enjoy being able to laugh and to make others laugh. If they see that you don't mind being laughed at then it will not bother them so much either.

     Something that I love to do for children is to clap and cheer when they accomplish something. This might sound simple to the point of ridiculous, but you would be amazed at what it does for your children!

Noise!!

     I have a little trick that I use with children that perhaps will save your hearing. Whisper! Children will often become louder and louder in enthusiasm for whatever they are doing, or in attempt to be heard or gain attention. I have found that by speaking quietly to them, they get quieter so that they can hear.

     Some children are so boisterous that you may have to ask them Why are you shouting? They just don't realize that they are sometimes. This concept works with other things, as well. If they are watching television, and it is turned up loud, they will shout in order to speak over the sounds on TV. On the other hand, if they want to hear what they are watching, and the volume is low, they will be quieter in order to hear. I have also found that playing music at a low volume while children play seems to set the mood... if the music is quietmusic, played at a low volume, it calms children and encourages them to be quieter.

     If you or other family members are loud, you can expect that the kids will be also. Try recording a tape in the house for an hour, and then listen to it. Sometimes people can't hearwhat they are used to listening to all the time. You may be enlightened if you pay attention to the normal noise level in your home, including those noises you make yourself.

     Sometimes aggression in kids is caused by family problems, and the source may not be obvious. Frequently kids think that trouble between the parents is their fault. This is especially likely to happen if the kids hear the parents arguing about them. Often children believe that they are somehow responsible for divorce between their parents. What a horrible burden for a kid to carry around! It is no wonder that a child who believes he has caused his family to split up feels angry! Sometimes adults become so involved in their problems that they do not realize how their kids are affected, or what they may be thinking.

Relaxation Therapy

     When all else fails, there's always the bathtub. Water is relaxing. How often have you heard or said the phrase a nice, relaxing bath.Or, I'm going to relax in the tub.This is a stress management tool that most of us seem to use, and it works just as well for children. If you have a really uptight kid, you may want to add some lavender to the bath. Add some toys, perhaps some bubbles, you will be amazed at what you can get done while a kid is busy enjoying a nice bath. Of course, kids in or near water need supervision, and never, never, never leave an infant or toddler alone in or near the tub or any container of water... not for a minute, not for a second. Toddlers are well known to drown in containers as small as a five-gallon bucket.

     Swimming is also a good, relaxing activity for children, and even just playing in water seems to help. I have never seen a kid who does not enjoy the good old fashioned art of making mudpies!

     Something else to consider as a possible way of helping very high strung children to relax is an aquarium in the home. Watching fish in an aquarium is almost hypnotic, and the gentle bubbling sounds are soothing. Once again, expect the unexpected. I recently heard about a toddler who climbed into an aquarium and drowned. Be very careful about where you place any container of water when you have young children in the house, including an aquarium.

     Many nursing homes these days allow animals such as dogs or cats to visit the residents there, and some actually have resident pets. The reason for this is that they now know that stroking and caring for pets is healthy and relaxing for many people., and that it helps to fight depression and other mental health problems. Cats seem to be particularly good, however, if your child is by nature rowdy, a dog might be a better choice. If you decide to try either a pet or an aquarium, be sure you know what you are getting into. They all require attention and time to care for them.

I Don't Like That!

     The battle cry of the dinner table! We all have eating and food issues, which is why our kids do. Otherwise, why would it be so hard to get them to do something they must do to live?

     If you have terrible eating habits, chances are your kids will also. Don't expect them to snack happily on carrot sticks if you snack on soda, chips, candy, etc., or if you live on coffee. Kids seem to do better if given a supply of healthy snacks on which to graze. These should be mostly vegetables, as even fruit has a natural sugar content, which is too high if eaten in large amounts. You can add in a small amount of fruits, and perhaps some nuts (once again, be careful here. Nuts have a high fat content) in addition to some low fat cheese, and perhaps some food which provides bulk, such as plain popcorn.

     Try to stick with foods that supply nutrition as well as satisfying the urge to eat. If your child does not eat well at mealtimes, then at least you know that what they have been eating between meals provides nutrition, and not just sugar and fat.

     When a child looks at food and declares I don't like that what he means is he doesn't like the looks of it. I have discovered over the years that kids want to be able to identify what they are eating.

     I was once preparing a fruit salad, which in the end gets covered with a mixture of whipped cream and sour cream (okay, I know... but it's a special holiday only treat!) when two of my nieces and one nephew arrived. They began watching me cut up the ingredients for the fruit salad, and asked what I was making. When I told them it was fruit salad, they said Oh, that's what is in that?

     Previously they would not eat the fruit salad, because they could not identify what was in it. After being enlightened by this incident, I began paying attention, and kids just don't like food they can't identify.

     This is why a kid who loves beef and vegetables may not eat a beef stew, for instance. If you cut the ingredients large enough for the child to tell what is in the stew, it may solve the whole problem at mealtime. (Incidentally, I noticed that this works with men as well. They like to know what they are eating, and seem to feel that they have been well fed if the food is cut in larger pieces.) Allowing your kids to help in some meal preparation, or at least letting them see what is going into a dish can relieve some of the problems.

     When everything else has failed and your kid still says, I don't like that! you may want to have a two bite policy. My son always had to take two bites of anything he claimed not to like on sight. He didn't even have to swallow them... he just had to put two bites in his mouth, and chew. If he still didn't like it after two tastes, he did not have to eat it... that time. In a few weeks, he had to taste it again. In this way, you avoid a battle that you can't possibly hope to win.

     Putting food in front of a child and insisting they must eat it is impossible. Unless you are prepared to literally force feed your kid, you cannot make him eat it! Most kids will comply with the two-bite policy. They know it is no fun to spend hours staring at food that won't go away, or holding a mouthful of food, which they refuse to swallow. At least with a two-bite agreement, you both know that there is a plan in place, and the whole issue does not turn into a test of wills between you and your child.

     If a child actually gags or shudders when certain foods are in his mouth, he could actually have a food allergy to that particular food. There are tests that can determine whether this is the case. Even if tests show that allergies are not present, you should not force your child to eat a particular item that is disliked to the point of aversion, especially if that child eats other foods well.

     Lots of people grew up being expected to finish everything on their plates. This may not be a good idea, because what it has done for many of us is to train us not to pay attention to feelings of fullness, and to continue eating until our plate is clean, causing us to eat our way to being overweight.

     Some parents do this because a few minutes after being excused from finishing what they have been served, their children will come back and insist they are hungry. There are some simple ways to prevent your kids from getting into the habit of using  I'm full to avoid eating something they don't particularly want.

     Make it a policy that whatever they don't eat from a reasonable sized serving at mealtimes is the only thing they may eat if they claim to be hungry a short while later. If your kids have already gotten into the habit of using I'm full! in order to get something different, it will take you a long time to convince them that they may have only what they left from their last meal. They will continue trying what has worked for them in the past, in hopes of wearing you down into the old habit. Often parents cave in just for the peace... and in doing so, have unconsciously taught their children that if they are annoying and persistent enough for a long enough time, they will get their way.

     If you yourself hate to try anything new, you cannot reasonably expect that your children will be eager to do so. Try to teach yourself to at least try new foods in small bites. You might surprise yourself! If you adopt the attitude that tasting a new food is a fun adventure into the unknown, your kids might get into the habit too. If they have already developed a bad habit about food, it will take longer, and some people are less eager to test the unknown than others, just because they might not have an adventurous personality.

     Overall, forcing your child to clean his plate is a bad idea. Eating disorders in this country today are a major problem. Large numbers of Americans are overweight, with a high percentage of body fat. If you come from a family of short heavy people, chances are you will never be tall and thin. You can, however, eat healthy. Our parents pretty much influence our eating habits, and you will do the same with your children.

     As mentioned earlier, forcing your child to eat everything on his plate is teaching him to disregard his body's signals. If you give a kid the opportunity to experience a lot of different tastes, do your best not to influence his likes and dislikes in negative ways, and do not allow him to fill up on junk which is bad for him although filling, he will eat. He will eat good food, unless he sees that you prefer junk, in which case he will get the idea that you are trying to make him eat the yucky stuff, while eating the yummy stuff yourself. If your attitude about food is that the things which are nutritious and healthy are also delicious, then your child will be influenced by this. They will also be influenced by advertising, peers, and their taste buds, but in the end, people who are exposed to a good variety of foods will usually eat pretty well.

Kids are People

     If there is anything I would like to get across in this book, it is that children are people too. I have seen many people who do not ever make eye contact with kids. These same people frequently say things that kids should not hear in front of them, as if the children were not even there or were incapable of hearing.

     I have seen people ignore children while they are trying to speak, or speak over then while they (the children) are speaking, and chastise those children for interrupting, without even seeming to realize the injustice of having done so. Not only is this disrespectful to the child as a human being, it is teaching them to interrupt!

     No matter what you say to your kids, chances are they will behave the way they see you behave. Children who are particularly noisy are often just trying to be heard in a world where they feel ignored or insignificant. This is sometimes true of kids who are overly aggressive... they are simply trying to get attention in a world where they feel they are ignored.

     If you want your child to learn to listen politely while you or others are speaking, the way to teach this is to listen politely while the child is speaking. If you do not want your child to interrupt when others are speaking, then you must not interrupt your child when he is speaking. You must also remember to stop talking once in awhile and give the kid a chance to speak!!

     I like to play a game with kids while traveling in a motor vehicle. This game has multiple purposes. First, it occupies their minds while in the car, so that they are not quarreling, yelling, whining, and doing all the other things which drives the driver crazy. Second, it helps them learn to use their imaginations creatively, and to entertain themselves. It also teaches them how to be good listeners, and that it feels good to have others listen politely while they are speaking, and that they must do the same when others are speaking. It also helps them to begin learning to express themselves well verbally, and to feel comfortable in talking to groups of people.

     The way this game works, is one person begins telling an imaginary story. The person whose turn it is to speak can make up the characters in the story, and can make anything happen in the story that he wants to happen. The others cannot interrupt, and must listen politely and quietly in order to have their turns. After a few minutes, another person gets to take over the story, and can change it any way he wants... he can change the setting, the characters, anything he wishes to do. The story now belongs to the current speaker. I usually participate in this round of story telling myself, in order to show the children how to use their imaginations to have fun and make up a story, and to show them how to change the story when it is their turn.

     Sometimes kids need a little help to grasp that they are not limited to reality or the real and practical world in storytelling. I have never found a kid who did not enjoy this game once they learn it. Every child who has ever gotten into a car with me knows this game... and trips anywhere, from cross-country to just around to the corner store are adventures! After kids get the hang of this game, they frequently ask to tell stories as we are getting into the car. This game works well for other places where you need to keep children entertained and reasonably quiet, especially if you are trying to handle more than one child. It does not work well in very large groups of children, because kids just don't have the ability to wait a very long time for their turn to come around.

     Something else I like to do to teach kids to entertain themselves is to create a puppet show. When there is nothing to do, and nothing to play with, you can almost always find an ink pen. Draw simple faces on your fingertips and turn each into a finger puppet! Most kids get into this really fast, and even very young children can often be entertained and distracted by this game for at least a short while. Even children who are not yet talking will insist that you give him puppet on his fingers too! Sometimes words are not even necessary... just drawing a face on your finger and peeking at a child with it will draw the child into the game!

     I have played this game with kids who were total strangers... perhaps you have the misfortune to be stuck on an airplane with a bored kid screaming or whining, or behaving in some other obnoxious way in the next seat; or maybe in the waiting room at a doctors office. An alcohol swab will remove the ink easily when the game is over.